TODAY ON FRANKLY SPEAKING - PRISONER OF GRATITUDE

It can be quite surprising the kind of issues entrapping many of us in life and making us run way behind our time and full potentials.

Many times we attribute a life of struggle to lack of discipline, lack of education, lack of passion, fear and the common traits not so productive people exhibit, but sometimes people with all it takes to be the best in life and career still fall behind; owing to what I call the imprisonment of gratitude.

To make clear this thinking, let me share with you real life case studies that I had to deal with in recent past.

Temi became completely distraught and overwhelmed by the sudden passing of her father after a brief illness. Her father had been the sole provider and bread winner for the family, comprising a wife and four children.

Temi is the first child and they never really had a fantastic life financially even when her father was alive hence, financing her education and that of her 3 younger siblings had been quite tough.

 Now that her father is dead, the prospect of concluding her degree program in the state university in Lagos collapsed completely.

Temi however was a very diligent church girl, very religious and devoted to service in church. After her father's demise, her pastor decided to help this faithful and hardworking church member with her education; the church began to pay her academic bills; this of course was tied to the condition that she would be a support staff at the church office.

Temi however concluded her degree program four years ago with the support of her church, but till now is still working very hard at the church office; every single day including weekends.

Because of her diligence and attitude to work the pastor and the church leadership held on to her desperately so much so that when it was time for her to go and serve four years ago, her pastor said he didn't have the leading to release her and if she went on to serve without his blessings something evil could happen to her while serving, hence four years after, Temi is yet to serve, she still works at the church office, she's still been paid 25 thousand naira monthly and she's not made any significant progress in life. Many of her classmates today have served and are working in good establishments, earning very good salaries and are getting married. The nature of Temi's job in the church makes it impossible for her to date successfully much less get married and all the suitors in the church have been scared away by the presiding pastor. Today have served and are working in good establishments, earning very good salaries and are getting married. The nature of Temi's job in the church makes it impossible for her to date successfully much less get married and all the suitors in the church have been scared away by the presiding pastor.

Four years after graduation no NYSC certificate, no husband, no progress, no dreams or ambition, Temi studied accounting. When her mum invited me to speak with her, Temi shared her view with me, she said after her father's demise, no relative or friend came to her aid but her pastor, she believes her pastor is the reason she is a graduate today, she can't just turn her back on him now, it will be unfair and she would appear ungrateful, so she would not leave to serve or work anywhere else until her pastor says so. Temi has become a prisoner of gratitude.

Daniels mother was accused of witchcraft by her mother in law and her husband's relatives when Daniel was just about seven years old and consequently sent packing from her husband's house.

She relocated from Awka to Lagos over 30 years ago and since then wouldn't remarry, she focused and concentrated on raising her only son Daniel and she worked very hard to ensure he does well in life. Daniel today is a very successful architect, he runs his architectural firm and the contracts won't just stop pouring in, Daniel in his late thirties has become quite rich.

Daniel got married at last to Queen last year after his mother finally gave the go ahead on his getting married. Queen incidentally is from Benue state and her lifestyle and culture is somewhat different from Daniels.

A few weeks ago I was speaking with Daniel over his marital crisis, a member of my life coaching classes introduced him to me for counseling. His wife Queen suddenly disappeared with a seven months old first pregnancy and he has no clue where she's at. The girl's family do not also know the where about of his wife; their daughter. I asked what exactly happened that led to Queens disappearance, Daniel reluctantly confessed to me that his mother that morning slapped Queen, his pregnant wife over money issues, Daniels mother felt Queen was wasting her son's money on frivolities, Queen responded rudely by saying it's her husband's money and that earned her the slap from her mother in law, by the way, Daniels mother lives permanently in the house with them.

I asked Daniel why he would allow his mother interfere so much in his marriage and have the nerve to slap his pregnant wife. Daniel looked at me confused and worried. ‘I love mama he said, she's done so much and sacrificed so much for me. I am who I am today because of her, she has no body but me, I can't just throw her away or abandon her, it will be very unfair, I will be a wicked and ungrateful son if I do such to my mother, I know she's wrong and has wronged my wife, but she's my mother, what can I do?' ‘Daniel, your wife and your unborn child are gone for now because of your mother, aren't they important too?' I asked. He looked at me, he wouldn't answer. Daniel is obviously a prisoner of gratitude.

Dear friend, daily you pray and hope and wish and work toward becoming successful and great in life. You get inspired, motivated and challenged to do all the needful to become what you dream of, but sadly many of us today would never become who we're meant to be because in one way of the other we have become prisoners of gratitude.

In our African society, it's difficult to come across anyone who would be kind, considerate and generous to you and not expect you to pay him back one way or the other when the time comes.

Sadly many Africans have not been raise to be good for the sakes of being good. We don't help; support or care about anyone especially if it appears there are no returns. We are lovers of ourselves and can be selfish too.

Today I see many parents investing in their children more out of the hope the children will pay back in future than the desire to see this children succeed and do great things in life.Today I see many managers' select and invest in certain subordinates not because they are really interested in that subordinate doing well and becoming a great leader but because they want to buy the loyalty of that subordinate. Many wives today are totally succumbing to the wicked treatment and bad behaviors of abusive husbands all because when he had a good job and made good money he was kind and generous, so now that things have gone bad for him he has the right to take out his frustrations on them and the children.Many of us today, either mildly or seriously are imprisoned in gratitude cells belonging to our benefactors.

Many today wouldn't resign from nasty jobs and working conditions because their bosses were nice and they have decided to sacrifice their career prospects and possibility to show appreciation to a once nice boss.

Many employers today wouldn't sack a very problematic and difficult employee because when the business was just starting that employee chose to stay when everyone else left.

Many of us can't even be logical in our thinking and reasoning anymore because the opinion and feelings of our various benefactors keep shaping and pointing the directions of our lives and careers.

Dear friend, very few benefactors would sincerely advise you to put your interest first; it's always theirs. Unfortunately, no one goes far living a life of servitude and subjugation to the sentiments and emotions of people they feel they owe.

My dear friend, if you're really serious about making progress in your life and career, you must break out of this emotional incarceration; break out of this sentimental jail of gratitude. It is very good to show appreciation and even reward your benefactors, but don't pay back with your future; your life or career possibilities; no it's too expensive.

Let you mind overrule your emotions, don't give room to sentiments, think of the outcomes and consequence of your decisions. Be wise. If you win consequently, all friends and foes and critics will run to you, if unfortunately you fail, all people would discard you and forget you even those holding you captive today. A cell, a jail, a prison confines you no matter how beautiful and comfortable it is, Break out of this jail of gratitude, move quickly into a prosperous and meaningful future.

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By Myiwa Afolabi